IMDB

SPOILER ALERT-DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

I really like movies. And what I like almost as much as movies is going on IMDB. I admit that I particularly like the message boards. I don’t post that often, but I do find it interesting to read people’s opinions, rants, complaints etc. I refuse to read reviews by film critics-but for some strange reason I will spend hours and hours reading the commentary of pompous film enthusiasts (such as myself). Before I begin discussing today’s douchebag, I would like to say that lurking on the IMDB message boards is not a pre-requisite for being a douchebag; it is a pre-requisite for being a nerd (which I will proudly concede I am).

I’ll tell you what is a pre-requisite for douchbaggery though: starting threads about how quickly you were able to figure out a film’s twist. First of all, if you do this you are a douchebag because (more likely than not) you have given away key plot points without prefacing your comments with a kindly SPOILER ALERT (as proper etiquette dictates). I’d like to point out that IMDB is rife with these inconsiderate assholes who have yet to master the use of the spoiler alert notwithstanding Michael Scott’s tireless efforts to thoughtfully drill it into our heads. In addition to ruining the film for would-be-film goers, these idiots act as if they’ve just won the Nobel Prize in Physics for proving String Theory. Incidentally, I hate string theory-not because I don’t understand it (which, I assure you, I most certainly don’t). No, I hate it because it’s very existence has encouraged at least one person to explain to me how “everything is connected” by tying knots or cutting paper into strips in a failed attempt to persuade me of their alleged intelligence. 

An overblown sense of accomplishment has long been one of the hallmarks of doucho sapiens. If you don’t believe me, look at pretty much any reality star or “socialite” (isn’t socialite just a euphemism for huge tool). Take Spencer Pratt- what did he do that deserves society’s praise and adulation? He (like every guy on the Hills) grew a douche-beard, refused to comb his hair or wear anything other than Ed Hardy brand tees. I would also like to point out that prat is a synonym for douchebag. Forgive the lengthy tangent, but I hate Spencer Pratt (and to a lesser extent-string theory) so very much.

As I was saying-figuring out the twist of a film does not a genius make. Hey Sherdouche Holmes-you didn’t use your deductive reasoning to figure out who killed JFK, all you did was figure out that Bruce Willis is a fucking ghost. Now if you had predicted that in a matter of five short years, wunderkind Haley Joel Osment (I see douche people!) would be a washed-up, creepy man-child convicted of drug possession then I might be mildly impressed. But did you do that, Poirot? No you didn’t-so go fuck off. Moreover, are the skills that you honed as a veritable film prophet at all transferable to a legitimate career? Maybe you could hire yourself out as a plot detective for those morons who can’t follow the most banal of story lines that  Hollywood regurgitates every year (Twilight I am looking in your general direction!) So quit patting yourself on the cyber-back, waiting with bated breath for everyone to praise your foresight and use your time more productively by selling your wares on craigslist. Just be prepared for the very real possibility that you will be raped (repeatedly). Jackass.